Ok ladiez, time to talk, man to man. We all know there is a shidduch crisis. Just ask any girl who has ever attended college— ever. Getting a husband is harder than algebra. You are powerless to this game of Russian roulette known as “Finding Your Basheret” (which explains why Russian people are amazing at dating). So, I should put a disclaimer: this article probably won’t appeal to 95% of the girls who are reading it. To those 95% I say, have you tried OKCupid or going to a gym? JK JK JK, I’m sorry about that one; OKCupid is for non-Jews, try Jdate. (Don’t try YUConnects unless you want to accidentally marry your cousin).
To the 5% who this article does appeal to, I am here to help you. We all know that FINDING yo’ man is the second hardest thing you will ever do, right behind KEEPING yo’ man. Face the facts, ladies: men and women are different! Ever seen an episode of Whitney? Whitney and Alex never get along! They also aren’t married in the show—see a trend? I do! Maybe they would be married if Whitney worked a little harder on her relationship and cooked a homemade dinner every once in awhile instead of being kinda maybe a little funny if you’re into that kind of…What I’m trying to say is that in order for you to keep your man, you need to make some concessions.
I know what you are thinking. “But Eitan! I’m busy with other stuff! How can I keep my marriage/”it’s complicated” together! Is there a 7 step program you can teach me that outlines how to keep us together?!?!” The answer is “Yes!” I can even do it in 6 steps.
So here you go, here is Eitan Levine’s 6 step guide to keeping yo’ man. Follow these 6 points and I guarantee you will be together through at least April and maybe even longer.
1) Watch Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Captain America, Thor and then watch The Avengers
Ladiez, if you are like any girl I have ever gone out with, your man has probably bought you a lot of shnitzel and has listened to you talk about how Ilana thinks she is soooo great but in reality everyone is just being nice to her because they used to like her but now don’t even think she is that cool. You owe it to him to at LEAST have a rudimentary knowledge of the cinematic Marvel universe. We aren’t talking about going all out and reading comic books (although, you should; it would make you a better person). All we ask is that you offer an informed response when we say something like “I get how it is by definition a rainbow bridge but the Biofrost in the Thor movie was SUPER lame” or “Scarlet Johanson, Am I right or Am I right?!?!” Also, WHY HAVEN’T YOU WATCHED STAR WARS TRILOGY YET!?!?! Seriously! It came out like 35 years ago! Do the words “Cultural Touchstone” mean nothing to you? To put it in terms you understand, Star Wars is the Kiki Riki of movies.
2. Always Dress Like You are Going to a Cotillion or Fancy Ball
You know that old saying, “there is always someone who is getting up an hour earlier and is staying at work an hour later”? Well, same goes for clothing. Somewhere in the world there is someone who is currently wearing a ball gown while going on her morning jog and you better hope that your man doesn’t run into her. Want to ensure your man stays loyal to you? Always be dressed like you are going somewhere important. Dress like you are going somewhere important and you will go somewhere important, all the way to the wedding hall.
3. Have a Man? Congratulations, You are Now a Sports Fan
Ladiez, I can’t emphasize enough how boring your friends are. Us listening to a funny thing that your friend said is literally the one thing we dread most, besides cancer and Vietnam happening again. But we listen anyways! Why? Because none of us have the guts to tell you “OK! I GET IT! YOU THINK TALIA SAID A REALLY FUNNY THING ABOUT 50 SHADES OF GREY! CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!” We listen to what your friends say, yet you get all flaky when we talk about sports?! Justice? Want to keep your man? Grab a Mark Sanchez jersey and remember the phrase “Are you kidding me?! Sanchez couldn’t throw his way out of a Taco Bell.” Looks will only get you so far. If you want to grab hold of your man, get a Fantasy football team, learn about Ben Roethlisberger’s “sketchy” dating history and pick a favorite Manning brother.
4. Let’s Be Honest, You Should Totally Do My Laundry
I am not doing it myself so unless you want me smelling like moldy towels, I suggest you grab some Bounty and make my clothes smell like a spring meadow. Don’t want to? Fine, hope you enjoy being known as a girl that goes out with a guy who smells like a Wookie (you would get that reference if you watched Star Wars).
5. Learn to Bake, Boil and Fry
Men love three things: freedom, cheerleaders and onion rings. A man that has all three of those things is said to have taken part of an “Abraham Lincoln 3-pointer.” If men could date an onion ring dressed in a miniskirt made out of the American flag that can chant “Knock em’ Back! Knock em’ Back! All the way to Hackensack” they totally would. But they can’t, they have to date girls instead.
6. Don’t Have Too Many Opinions
Ok, let me first start off by saying that you should totally have opinions about stuff. Just don’t have too many opinions. And, they should never be about anything important. For instance, when I say something like “Where do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” you can have all the opinions you want. Want Chinese food? Say it! In the mood for some Fro Yo? Shout it out loud! Want to stay home and you cook me a dinner? Be my guest! But, for important stuff you should pretty much only speak when spoken too. This may sound harsh, but so are some of the laws in the Talmud (you follow the Talmud, right?). For instance, let’s say my friends and I are talking about politics. I say “I’m voting for Romney” and my friend says “I’m voting for Obama”; this is not an opening for you to give your opinion. The men are talking. If we want to know how you feel on the subject, we will ask you. Until that time comes, it is your job to be a wallflower. A silent wife is a happy wife.
Well ladiez, there you have it. The 6 rules to keeping yo’ man. Now go out there, bake your man a cake, and watch Star Wars!