By Lea Azeroual, Staff Writer
When I ask women in their late twenties why they are still single, the answer I hear most often is some version of “I was busy building my life.” They rarely say it with regret, and their answer sounds more like surprise, as if nobody warned them that focusing on their future might make dating harder.
Hearing this answer repeatedly made me wonder why women who spend their twenties building careers and becoming financially independent can sometimes find dating more complicated. Ambitious women do not struggle to find love because they are too independent. The dating world, especially in communities where marriage is treated as a rite of passage, can still be shaped by traditional expectations about men as providers and women as wives and mothers.
Women should have the freedom to become independent before marriage if that is what they want. Education, professional experience and financial independence can give a woman a stronger sense of who she is and the ability to support herself regardless of what happens in her personal life. Marriage can be part of that life without having to come first.
Marriage can be beautiful and one of the most meaningful parts of many people’s lives. Women can combine marriage, motherhood and a career, and marrying young does not necessarily mean sacrificing ambition. The question is why women who follow a different timeline can find themselves navigating a dating culture built around narrower expectations.
Why does marriage feel so urgent?
Dating is one of the most common subjects of conversation among young adults. We talk about finding someone to build a life with, getting married and starting a family. Dating often comes with expectations about when people should marry and start families, even though people’s lives do not always unfold in the same way.
For some women, marriage and motherhood are the priority. For others, professional achievement and independence come first. Neither path is better than the other. The problem begins when one of them is treated as more natural, more mature or more desirable.
In certain social circles, marriage can become less of a personal decision and more of a milestone people feel they are expected to reach. This pressure is not limited to any one community; it can be found more broadly among young adults, including those who identify as Modern Orthodox or traditional. At this stage of life, many young adults are still students, starting their careers, discovering their interests, making mistakes and figuring out the direction they want their lives to take. There should be room for young adults to develop their careers, explore their interests and establish their independence before deciding when marriage fits into their lives.
At the same time, people choose to marry young for many reasons. For some, marriage is an important religious priority. For others, it is the way to start a family sooner. Every choice deserves respect.
Thinking about independence before marriage raises another question: What happens if life does not go as planned? What if a marriage becomes unhappy or no longer feels fulfilling? What if a person’s understanding of happiness changes after entering a relationship? What if putting aside education, career or financial independence eventually becomes a source of regret?
These concerns underscore the importance of preparation, independence and self-awareness. A woman can enter marriage deeply committed to her husband and family while maintaining her own identity, skills and ability to support herself. Even if her career or family responsibilities change over time, having an education and professional experience can help her remain independent and prepared for different circumstances. Independence does not have to compete with marriage; it can strengthen a woman’s ability to navigate whatever her future holds.
In dating, there can be a complicated dynamic between ambition and traditional expectations. Some men want to provide financially for their future wives and families. For couples who want this arrangement, there is nothing wrong with it, as long as it is chosen by both people. These expectations can shape what people look for in a partner. A woman who is financially independent may have different expectations about marriage than someone who wants a more traditional provider-and-homemaker arrangement. When two people enter a relationship with different ideas about financial roles, careers and responsibilities within marriage, those differences can make dating more complicated.
For a financially independent woman, a relationship does not have to be based on financial support. She may value a partner for qualities such as love, respect, honesty and mutual support rather than for financial support. When both partners are capable of supporting themselves, the relationship can be based on what they contribute to each other’s lives rather than on one person being responsible for the other’s financial security.
Not every woman who remains single is waiting for marriage to happen. Some are actively looking for a partner, while others are comfortable remaining single because marriage is not their priority at this stage of their lives. These different circumstances show why being single should not automatically be interpreted as falling behind. For women who do want marriage, however, choosing to prioritize education, career development or financial independence first should not be treated as a failure to reach an expected milestone.
This conversation isn’t really about careers versus marriage. It is about personal autonomy – the ability to make decisions about marriage, family, career and independence based on one’s own priorities. No single path should determine a woman’s value or define when she is considered successful.
A woman’s twenties do not need to follow a predetermined script. Dating should leave room for women who are developing their careers, building financial independence or simply waiting until they feel ready for marriage. A woman should be able to pursue ambition and independence without being treated as though those choices make her less suited for love or partnership.
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